amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
