i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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