Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
