I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
