Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
