It was confusing and full of hummus
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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