I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
