I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
