dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
