Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
