A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
