so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
