he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
