Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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