Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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