Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
