and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
