I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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