im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
