My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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