im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
