Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
