on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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