Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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