Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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