Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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