I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How external is "for external use only"?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
