Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I will be naked everywhere
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
