I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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