why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
