There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
