so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
