fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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