you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
