you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
