She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
