I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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