her facebook's as public as her vagina
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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