kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
