Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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