You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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