my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Congratulations! We have a period
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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