i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
