The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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