chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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