Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
