I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
