i already hear my dad disowning me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
