Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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