and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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